Friday, April 13, 2007
12:20 PM
My heart is shattered.

I still couldnt believe what my parents did to me. I'm just going to stop trying, cuz really,
it never ends.

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Rmb the previous post yesterday? Everything started right after I clicked the button "publish".

My brother was nagging about how "you got a lot of time meh? Do this kind of stupid thing. Why you never study?" blah blah blah. So ok fine, I'll stop blogging and go study for my bio test.

At the same time, my parents decided to go to newton circus and have dinner. When they asked, I thought about it, and finally decided that I think I'll just stay at home so I can fully study for my bio. Then, my brother came in, and scolded me for not going out for dinner.

"Mum and Dad are going back to hk next monday. Last time they weren't free to go out for dinner with us, and now that they can, you don't want to go. Now I can see how much you treasure your family. You see studies more importantly than your family."

Fuck you!

Everything I do is wrong. Not studying is wrong, studying is wrong. FUCK! You think I love to study? I would very much rather have dinner with my family then being stuck at home and read some fucking biological molecules!

I was the one who kept suggesting that we should go newton circus and have dinner for the past few weeks, cuz we haven't done so for like months. I told them it's refurbished and everything looks new so we shd go and try. Don't they know how much I long to have a simple family dinner again? To be able to talk and crap while we eat? It's really not that I dont want to have dinner with them, but I dont want to fail my test, because good grades are what make my parents happy!

I felt so condemned, like I never do anything right. I felt so frustrated I starting tearing, but that was after my brother left the room. Suddenly, my mum came in to ask me what do I want from newton circus so she can bring them back for me. Inevitably, she saw me crying.

She asked me what happened and put her hand on my shoulder. You know how it is, to just have someone put a hand on your shoulder when you feel sad, esp if it's your parents, becuz sometimes, it's just some warmth you want to feel from them. My mum sounded really concerned, so I thought that, she'll comfort me if I told her what happened.

And that's what I did.

Guess what happened.

She suddenly started scolding me, and saying that my brother is right, that I shouldnt play with the computer if I have a test to study. I told her that I'm unhappy in AC, and blogging is the only way I can find some comfort, becuz I know my friends will talk to me and cheer me up. I thought she'd understand after I told her that, but she did not.

"why are you unhappy in AC huh? you already go out with your friends at least once a week, so why are you still unhappy? The most importand thing to you now should be your studies. What's making you so sad in that school?"

Her words were so painful to my ears, I cant sense any hint of care in her tone. Going out with my SA friends doesnt mean that I'll be happy in AC. The reason why I long to go out with my SA friends so much is exactly becuz I feel miserable there. She made it sound like she's already giving me alot by "letting" me go out with them, but who was the one who kept scolding me for going out and saying I have nothing to do with SA anymore?

My dad came in, and my mum told my dad in a tone of disain:

"Your daughter say she's unhappy in her new school ah! I ask her why she's unhappy and she wouldnt tell me!"

Then it happened again.

My dad exploded and shouted sarcastically

"You can transfer back to SA already! Go back to your old school! I dont care where you go already! I so sick of talking to you."

And he left the room.

My heart was so cold I thought it'd stop beating. I cant stop crying. All I wanted was a little comfort and warmth from my own parents. Is that too much to ask?

Ironically, my brother came in after my mum and dad left, and started comforting me. He told me he heard everything from outside. He din know that the reason I blog was because I feel sad and stuff, and he told me he was sorry.

"I realize I dont understand you very much."

I felt so moved when I heard him say that. Everybody try to pretend that they understand one another so well, and wont admit even if they really dont know anything about them. I know nothing about what my parents are thinking, and they dont understand a shit about how I feel as well. I'm so sick of trying to make them understand my plight and distress, but I dont think they even give a damn about it. I get scolded if I dont tell them why I dont like AC, like as if they're "trying to help" but I wouldnt open up myself to them. But when I DO tell them about AC, this is what I get from my mum and dad.

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

My crying wont cease. I cried for 2 hours straight, until my eyes literally ran dry. I just kept wailing and snuffling, but there are no more tears left to cry. I cried so much, I thought I'll go crazy. There were moments it got so bad I actually thought of becoming suicidal, just so my parents would know how grim and severe my situation is. But I'd never do anything stupid like hurting myself.

I'm never gonna talk to them about AC anymore. If more pain and emotional damage are what I'm going to get from them, I'd rather just keep everything to myself. They can go ahead and think that I'm bloody happy in AC.

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Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
and now i just try to find some hope
to try and hold onto
But it starts again
it'll never end

I'm heavily broken
and i don't know what to do
Can's you see that i'm choking
and i can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
what can you do?
I'm heavily broken
and there's nothing i can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
and now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
it doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
and i don't know what to do
Can't you see that i'm choking
and i can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
what can you do?
I'm heavily broken
and there's nothing i can do
And there's nothing i can do

Feels like i'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
Louder i'm crying
and you don't even care

I'm heavily
and i don't know what to do
Could you see that i'm choking
and i can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
what can you do...

I'm heavily broken.
detonatedlove
tstrayer76
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