Wednesday, May 16, 2007
11:05 PM
Now where's my paracetamol pills.

I'm falling ill :(
It first started out as a tiny harmless sorethroat, then comes the flu. Since my nose's all blocked up, I have to breathe through my mouth (or I'll die). But by breathing through my mouth, it's drying out my already sore throat, making it more sore. And now, fever. GAHHH.

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Oh by the way, I wonder if you guys realize
"---------------------------------------------------------------------------"
means it's a seperate post of the day. Like, "--------" means diff paragraphs, but the long one is a totally different post. I din used to have to do that, but this blogksin doesnt show the time of each post.

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I had 4 tests this week, namely chemistry, maths, econs and gp. Thank goodness I'm done with all of them, and there are NO MORE TESTS FOR THIS TERM!! That brings me a great deal of relief and comfort. You have no idea.

I think I'm slowly catching up with schoolwork. For the first few weeks since school started, I have no idea what was going on during lessons. I was just, spacing out. Mutated to become fully permeable, nothing was retained in my brain. Tests came and I failed. If cheryl heard that, she'll probably tell me I deserve to fail, cuz I din study for them. Haha which is very very true. I din expect to pass anyway. Then, I'm finally starting to grasp all the shit stuff. Studied for upcoming tests (though not very much, but still), and did pretty well, for my standard, that is.

I've been escaping from PE for the whole of this week. Was supposed to run 2.4, but emm, well, felt kinda lazy, AND of course, I was sick, so it wasnt at all unreasonable that I ask for exemption. PE was the last period of monday, so after the teacher exempted me and left to supervise other students, I zao and went home. On the bus, Nessa called me, asking me where I am. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT SHE'LL WAIT FOR ME TO GO HOME EVERY MONDAY. I'm sorry nessa :(((

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It's a chain effect. First abel blogged about his parents, then sucheng, then LL and nessa. It's funny how on abel's part (I assume) never expected to create this heat wave when he clicked the "publish" button.

Reading those posts and seeing how everyone goes I love you very very much mother and father, I got this twinge of jealousy. I cant exactly tell what sort of jealousy it was, but I suppose that emotion was the best-fit word I could think of. I have never said I love you to my parents before. In fact, to my whole family. I suppose a display of affection is not the norm in my family. I once thought of saying it, but I backed out on myself at the last minute, thinking that it's way too embarrassing.

It's not that I dont love my family enough to say it out loud, but there just seem to be something missing. I wonder just how close our family actually is. Take for example LL and her parents. By the way she phrases her words when she describe about her family, she seems to have forged very strong bonds with her parents. Then, going back to my parents and I... where?

Sure, we laugh and joke around during meal times, but I dont consider that a closely bonded family. We seldom spend time DOING things together. Hell, we dont even have meals together that often now. If we're lucky, we'll have 2 to 3 meals together in a week.

Just because I've once owned and experienced how it's like to always have family meals together, I must go through the loss and pain when we cant do that anymore. In the past, when we first moved to Singapore, my mum's a housewife and my dad a househusband. (though he never really helped in housework) My dad leave his trusted managers to run his businesses in hk, and in S'pore, he'll stay home and make business calls. In short, the 2 of them are always at home. Being primary school kids and later lower secondary school students, we always return home after school. Meals were always eaten together, both lunch and dinner. During weekends, we made it a habit to eat out, usually either at newton circus, sushi tei or pizzahut.

After my dad opened a restaurant in S'pore, things start to go haywire. My parents will go down to the restaurant every night, esp on fridays, saturdays and sundays. They leaves the house each evening at around 5.30pm, and only return at 11pm-12am. Since they sleep till at least 10am the next morning, we hardly get to see them anymore. My brother and I, being in JC, start school at 8 and end around 4.30. By the time we return home, they'll be gone. If you piece everything together, you would be able to tell the amount of chances we get to meet our parents. In fact, we can go for days without seeing, just SEEING our parents, at all.

It's sad, but it's becoming the norm. We're so used to it, the impact doesnt come until my brother and I decided to carry out thoughtful talks when we eat dinner alone, with my younger sister. The 3 of us sit at the large round dining table that's supposed to accomodate at least 7 people. The entire dining room would be silent, with only the clicking of chopsticks and the whirring sound of the electric fan.

Talking about my younger sister, I suppose she really is quite a poor thing. Frankly speaking, I'm not a good big sister, not at all. She primary 5 now, and I always scolds her, nag at her. I've seldom been nice to her. I wonder if she's a lonely child. My brother and I, being only 1 year apart, are close. We grow up playing together, and shared much childhood memories. As for my sister, did she even have what considered as a childhood. I grow up playing in the playground with my brother and our neighbours (we lived in a flat in hk then). My sister grow up playing with the computer. We always nag at her for spending too much time playing with the computer, watching TV, talking on the phone and stuff like that. But to think about it, what else can she do to spend her time? There's no one to play with her at home, so she resort to those things to receive some kind of interaction. I think my brother also recently realized this, and slowly, we try to be nicer to her, giving her what should be deserving of a kid.

I thought about the future, then thought of my dad. He has planned out our whole life for us. For my brother, it would be a good overseas university, graduate from it, then take the masters degree, and some some other degrees that I couldnt really remember. For me, well, it's more or less the same, but slightly more specific. He said in a very this-is-the-way-it's-gonna-be tone "You do well for A levels, then I'll send you to australia to study veterinary, then get a degree....". He even decided what I'm going to study in future. I know it's a tradition for parents to lay out a path for us to take, but I have alot of questions. It's not that I dont like veterinary. Actually, I'm quite interested in that area. But, that's it? that's going to be the rest of my life? Get my degrees, find a job, get married, have kids, and die. That's a typical person's life, yes. I'm not asking for a extraordinarily interesting life, but looking at it, it's still not very appealing isnt it.

I realize I've been jumping around to alot of areas in this whole family thing. But back to bonding, I really want to experience what it's like, to have your parents sit down to talk and ultimately comfort when you're troubled. I have a friend whose dad took a day off just to talk to her, because she was having problems in school. Would my parents do that? I want to know, how it feels like, to have your mother's arm over your shoulder, pulling you into her embrace when you felt like crying. I dont know.

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